I am burnt toast.

At least that’s how I feel lately. I’ve had a rough go of it for the past couple of years. Some things were my own poor choices, and others were things just wildly out of my control. At this point, I feel like I’m toast that has been left in the toaster too long. Burnt out, struggling to get by every day, and quite a bit frustrated that the toaster apparently got stuck on the pain and suffering setting.

But just like burnt toast, I’m probably some good toasted bread on the inside. With enough persistence and gentle scraping, perhaps I could be fixed up a bit.

So that’s what this blog is about. I’m basically using a website as my own personal record and journal. I’ll post to it every day, and keep notes on my progress. I’m not really going to push this out into the world for people to read. Like any good journal, this website will contain personal stuff that I wouldn’t necessarily want to share with friends or family.

So why have it as a website? Well, if I ever do get comments on posts or any notifications that someone has viewed the website, then I guess I will have a sense of accountability to keep posting and keep making progress. There might even be someone that comes across the website that is dealing with similar problems, and this might be a good story for them to read.

So here is some of the stuff I’m dealing with:

  • Mystery illness affecting all my hormone levels (thyroid and testosterone)
  • Emotional fallout from someone I now realize and can admit was extremely abusive and manipulative, but that I know I probably still have feelings for, even if most of the time I hate them for… well just everything they did
  • All those symptoms of the hormones being off, lethargy, weight gain, motivation issues, etc. etc.
  • Loneliness from quarantine and my single status
  • A stressful and demanding workplace that just doesn’t treat me right, and hasn’t for the last 5 years…
  • A quarter life crisis, I guess, that’s making me want to go out and adventure and do all sorts of things that are kinda irresponsible

The first thing I need to do is start getting my life a little more structured. Following the whims of my body when my hormones are out of whack is dangerous. Sometimes I can’t sleep, sometimes I desperately want to, sometimes I just go and each a bag of chocolate chips I got to bake “healthy” cookies with. Just trying to “be responsible” hasn’t been working. Thus, it’s time to start implementing some structure.

The crux of that is going to be sleep. I need to have a proper time where I turn off the electronics and go to bed. Maybe try taking some melatonin if I can’t sleep.

With that, I’m going to finish this first post up. If someone does read this, Hi, thanks for reading this far. Feel free to leave a comment, and I hope you can get some use out of reading this.

Sincerely,

Burnt Toast